Reaching Into the Past For My Destiny

Do you ever get the feeling that you were meant for something truly great?
I'm not talking about the lives of reality television stars, I'm talking about something spectacular.

There is a fire that burns vividly in my heart for something MORE in the world.
I can't say for sure that it's an emotion or a sense...just something.
Yes, I know, very vague. But sometimes there are no words for what this THING is called.
...............................................................................................................................................................
Passion.
It's about the only word to describe this "thing."

There is story that I want to share with the world, not necessarily because everyone can relate (because I'm very certain they can), but because "I don't want to tell it the way it happened, I want to tell it the way I remember it."
An account that has left me wounded, healed, scarred, restored, depressed, hopeful...and all of the in between.

This account was my first love.
Young, puppy, stupid, filthy, ignorant, YET eager, uncertain, wholehearted, committed, intense, real.
That moment you looked into someone's eyes and you knew your life would never be the same.
This account does not have the expected ending but it does have a hopeful one.

That leads me to where I am now.
With the feeling that my life, up to this point, has been blurry.
But now it stares at my so clearly with it's hand reached out to me.
Inviting me to take the journey on the path I am destined for.

This account will serve as my first book.
I get butterflies thinking about what the words on the next page will be (figuratively and literally).

"If Everything You Want Is Something You Couldn't Have" Ryan Adams

You ever get to that point where nothing makes sense, no matter how many ways you run it through your head?
But sense doesn't really matter because you have "love" and that's all you ever need...right?
You're so determined to make something work that you'll do just about anything, even if it causes you to go literally insane.
You're so sure that THIS is the way things are suppose to turn out.
You even has this wild burning passion that feels so right, so you willingly go where you have been so many times before.
In that passion, you embrace everything expecting nothing but utter joy.
You never expect the heartache and dead end that always greet you with a knife in the back, a door slammed in the your face for the millionth time, old gashes begin to bleed, new mascara stains cover the old ones on your pillow case.
But you were so sure that THIS was it!
How could it not be?
You have been through life and death and everything in between with him.
Loved to the highest high of pure euphoria and traveled to the depths of the deepest sea in physical pain.
Life cannot simply go one without him.
You look into his face without any sort of anxiety, fear, or doubt that EVERYTHING will be OK because you are with him and he is all you need.
Life is complete.
Nothing will every ruin your joy with him, ever.
Until it ends.
A bullet to chest.
Pierce to the heart.
Blow to the head.
Everything you knew is suddenly erased with the simple tap of a DELETE button.
Suddenly this man sitting face to face with you is a complete stranger.
You can barely breathe let alone form a sentence or thought to comprehend what has just happened.
But it can't be denied.
This indeed just happened.
You're being asked to take everything you have experienced and disregard it.
Like it never existed.
POOF.
Gone.
You're left with a void where your soul use to be.
A bloody mess where your so-called heart was.
A mesh membrane previously known as your brain.
You're forced to continue living.
You've reached that point where the very vain of your existence is no longer there.
But you're not ready to continue with life.
This isn't fair.
How dare he?
Didn't he know?
Of course!
You only shouted it from the rooftops.
But those days are over.
Time to put on that face so everyone will know you're dealing, surviving, collecting the wreckage, not really moving forward, just trying to stay sane.
But inside you're still dying.
There is something almost every other minute that reminds you of him.
Don't worry that will always be there.
Eventually the memory of him will begin to fade.
It won't be sudden.
Or easy.
It will probably take what seems a life time.
Chances are you will never meet another like him.
Maybe that isn't a bad thing.
You don't want to go through this again.
The next day you look in the mirror and something within begins to tell you, "Today is a little better."
As you gaze back at your reflection you swear you almost see the glimpse of a smile.
Could it be?
Is this life now?
Sure.
It isn't where you were, but it's going...somewhere
You have no where to go but the opposite direction.
You're not saying up, down, forward, or backward.
But it is a direction and that means something for the first time in so long.

Fix You

Why yes, I was inspired by the song that seems to be creeping in my life more and more lately and I've also been inspired by recent events to blog. For my people who have missed me, I'm sorry it's again been awhile...

SOAP BOX
To those of you who blog...like everyday, I have no clue how you have the time to do it! I'm sure you're thinking, "Well Wendy, I make time." Easier said than done in my case BUT kudos!

Back to blog topic...
I've recently noticed that my life has been some sort of a borderline reality dating show. I wouldn't necessarily call it "The Bachelorette" because I don't have a production company behind but nonetheless the story lines could make for some amazing TV.

I think I've been so focused on "finding that man" that it's become more of a job/interview process than what it's suppose to be (if that even makes sense). I guess what I mean is that I think finding that person you're suppose to be with for the rest of your life happens when it's meant to. Not lining up one consistent date after another when the last person didn't work out. I mean, that scenario may have very well worked for many people but Lord knows I'm not trying to be Charlotte York, constantly dreaming every day that THIS is the date and I'm SURE he's the ONE.

As some of your know I've recently restarted my spiritual journey with God. I've joined an amazing church (New Heights Church in the Boys and Girls Club in Fayetteville) and started serving as a teacher's assistant for 1st and 2nd Grade girls. It's had it's many ups and some downs as nothing is ever easy but it's more of a blessing than many other things in my life. I have God to thank for this renewal and my dear friend Kelly. I consider her wise beyond her years. I strongly believe that she is in touch with God in a way that not many have or ever will experience. She shared some news with me about two months ago that I honestly blew off but it became earth-shattering true to me this week, "Wendy, the more I pray for you and ask God to reveal His will for you, I receive the overwhelming sense that God wants you to be single right now." I honestly took this half-heartedly because it's something that I just never considered.

Since that early morning at Starbucks, I've been dodging that statement. Going on date after date, lost connection after another. I would confide in friends and family about "I know there's just something wrong me...what do I need to fix" never considering that God may have other plans for me. Until this past week. I was on "date/try" number too many and everything was going great until SLAM another closed door. I spent a sleepless night wondering what in the world was going on when it hit me. I'm suppose to be single right now. God has continually closed door after door, not because there was anything wrong with me or the guys along the way but that He truly wants me all to Himself right now.

Kelly could not have been more dead on. It was an earth shattering discovery that I'm very happy to have finally accepted so I can stop running around wondering how do I fix me.

So deuces fellas...for now :) I know God has man out there somewhere for me but for now I will be more than content in confiding in God for what He wants for my life instead of what I want.

Adventures in Motherhood

This weekend I had the pleasure to spend some much needed time with my favorite little girl Lauren aka Lolo :)

She's a special little person to me. I've nannied her since she was 6 months old and today she's 5! Needless to say, I consider her my little girl! Love her to pieces! I do have to say though that since switching career paths, I've quickly forgotten how exhausting children are haha in a good way: the high energy, neediness, emotions run high, etc. Almost reminds me of certain adults but I won't go into that :)

Friday night, I wasn't much fun since I had to cover a social event but I promised Saturday would be a fun-filled day.

As promised, we journeyed up to the Promenade and found ourselves in the land of fluff and stuff at Build-A-Bear Workshop. Lauren picked the perfect bunny bear (bear with bunny ears) that was quite colorful, tri-colored to be correct-pastels of yellow, purple, pink and blue. Her name is Emily and she has a beautiful gown, bow, and black patten leather pumps. That night we ventured to the movies and enjoyed Mirror Mirror and followed up with a delicious bowl of of ice cream.

Today was more laid back: lunch at Mojitos and then a drive over to my new place to meet my roommate's new puppy Lucy, the cream French bulldog....now just anticipating the arrival of the parentals :)

Of course, there were some tears shed, voices raised, feelings hurt, orders made, and lots and lots of cleaning. As I texted her parents, "I forget how destructive a 5 year old can be."Oh, silly me. I forgot to mention there were three dogs in the mix: Lexy and Lilly the yorkies and my furry monster Rocco Daily :)

All in all, a great weekend! I have many of pics to remember it by and memories to last a life time! I'm very blessed to have a person in my life that blesses me with a simple flash of a smile and a giggle to follow. I love you Lauren! Elizabeth, all the days of my life and yours!

Ready For A Change

As most of you know, I'm a person who embraces change. Every time I've "settled down," a curve ball has been thrown causing an uprooting change. I pretty much believe that not many things in life are permanent any more. 

I'd say the past year has been filled with the biggest changes in my life. Graduating college, journeying on my own, moving up the ladder in the business world, parents divorcing (mom moving, dad remarrying), little brother getting engaged, joining a new church, losing an aunt and a distant cousin in a week, just oodles upon oodles of things-these of which stick out me to the most me right now.

Geez, from the looks of things you'd think I'd be ok with a breather but my heart aches for a refreshment of something. These past couple of months have been trying for me. I've come to know myself better this past year than ever before. Although I can't pinpoint one thing exactly, I see a change in me. Like how sometimes it's exhausting doing for others but sometimes when you know it's what you "do best" then you just push on through, with or without a smile on your face.

I think my biggest urge for change is all of the negativity in my life. I know its inevitable to escape all negativity but I think there are some outlets that can be turned off. Like people. Sometimes people are easy to let go of because you know you're really not losing much. It's more like you're gaining a breathe of fresh air, a sense of newness. I'm constantly learning about people through my job and it's been good and bad. But the one thing I've learned is that you can't hide who you are, fronts are temporary and the truth (good or bad) surfaces. 

I'm learning right now that if there is no value in having a relationship with someone, it's time to cut it off immediately. No sense in lingering if you know you have nothing to gain from that person. 

So here is to letting go, sense of revitalization and just a big "ahhhhh!"

---By the way, I know there are people who urge me to blog more and I promise I will do better...I appreciate the love! 

The Art of Saying "No"

For most of my 25, almost 26, years I've been the world's BIGGEST people please-er.  Not all of it was bad because I experienced a lot of smiles from people who genuinely needed help, a favor, or what have you. But then there are those people who just ask and ask and ask and ASK until there is a breaking point with the actual doer----->that would be me. 

Today, I took in an experience of saying no to someone who over uses me and it was SO relieving. I know it's a small step for mankind and all but I just had to share that it felt good to say no and that sometimes it is okay.

I think attempting be an overachiever has caused myself a lot of anxiety. I constantly worried about what would happen if I actually said no and would the person's world be turned upside down? Sometimes that's not the case at all and well sometimes it is, but no matter what, it's really not on you. When you have a pile a mile high on your own plate and another person tries to shove more, you have every right to say no.

For those of you who take advantage of people like me over and over again because you don't feel like doing the simplest or even hardest of actions...be an adult and just do it. It's a part of life we all have to deal with and it's not fair to others for you to shove your problems, inconveniences off on them.

Life lessons are hitting me hard these days and going through some of what I have lately, it's time to realize what's important. Right now, that's time and it's extremely valuable to me. Not only personal time but also at work. We only have so much of it and how can I ever accomplish what I need/want to if I'm always on every one's time except for mine?

New Year, New Things, Can't Wait!

Well Hey Ya'll!

Yeah it's been a little while but WHEW 2011 was crazy and probably the best year of my 25 years. It also was the craziest and busiest, so that's what drew me away from my blogging. Sad thing is, for those who keep up with my articles in CitiScapes Magazine, I actually follow a million different blogs all for the sake of work. 

I sincerely love seeing the creativity of others around me; and it's amazing meeting these people who capture attention of so many others through what they love. That's exactly what I want to portray in my life. Not so much "capturing the attention of others" but that others might see that I'm doing what I love. Hence why I'm a writer. It's not the most financially rewarding career but I have always been taught to stay true to what you love and I'm more than in love with what I do. 

I don't want to track away from what I love so I needed to get back to my lovelies :) 

Here's to 2012! My birthday is in four days and I'm elated to spend it with all of the special people in my life.

Till next time----Wendy